Valentine’s Day Mascots that never caught on.
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When doing research on Valentine’s Day for the University of Kokonga, Chris and Aaron discovered that there have been many other Valentine’s Day mascots aside from Cupid that never caught on with the public. They spilt their pops. Here’s their favorites:
THE JACKAL
The Jackal was a Valentine’s Day character that was invented around
the same time as movie theatres. If you left your seat to go buy
snacks, the Jackal, who could change his form to look like anyone,
would take on your appearance and sit down next to your date, honk her
tits and run. A minute later when you returned with the snacks, your
date would be mad at you and you would say “It must have been the
Jackal.” Times were simpler and hopefully she would buy it.
SPARK
Was a cute little piece of electricity that would jump off of the lips of a kissing couple on a date and go, “Now you’ve got it!”
GORDIE
Gordie is a Valentine’s Day character who hangs out outside of the
Liquor store on Valentine’s Day and will buy alcohol for anybody who isn’t of
age as long as they throw him a couple of bucks so he can “buy a bus
ticket to Brampton.” The strange paradox with Gordie is that he is
always five bucks away from getting the ticket, even after you give
him five bucks.
LIL’ SCRUMPTIOUS
A vanilla cupcake that women would crumble into their toilet. After flushing the crumbs the man of their dreams was supposed to stick his head out and go, “Have I got the right place?”
BIG LOAD
After being told by a censorship board that Big Load’s huge bulge in
the front of his diaper was too suggestive, the bulge was simply moved
the back of his diaper. This was perhaps the greatest mistake in
Valentine’s Day history.
THE BRAIN-CAKER
The Brain-Caker is a huge beast of a man that sniffs out lonely people with his giant wet hound dog like snout. When he finds a pair that he knows should be a couple, he rips the brains out from their skulls and crams them into a wedding cake.
NEIL STRONG-ARM
This Valentines Day character, created in 1969, was known as the
“First Man to successfully land IN the Moon.” He was always shown
winking while doing things like walking in through Exit doors,
sticking his finger in hamburger buns and jumping into sewers.
BILLY BULLET
An original bullet from the Valentine’s Day Massacre that’s constantly zooming around the world at the speed of well… a bullet that was just shot out of a gun. When it sees a couple kissing on a park bench, it whizzes by their ears and makes kissey-kissey noises.
HOBO LOVESTRUCK
Hobo Lovestruck was a hobo themed Valentine’s character who would ask
young men who were out on first dates if they would help him get a can
of sardines out of his rucksack. If they said no he would scream “I’m
Lonely” and kiss them on the mouth as he sucked their soul out,
spitting it into his rucksack with all the other souls. If they
agreed to help him he would do the exact same thing. This Valentine’s
character suffered in popularity because people didn’t like him.
PRESIDEN’T LITTLE HELPER
President’s Little Helper was a character who advised the American
President in matters of love. One of his catch phrases was “Tell her
she has to or you’ll have her killed.”
JACK RYAN
Jack Ryan is most famously known as the lead character from The Hunt
For Red October, Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger and The Sum
Of All Fears. Tom Clancy originally created Jack Ryan as a last
second Valentine’s day present for his wife when he forgot to stop by
a variety store on his drive home from being out all day just standing
there looking at a Navy ship
