Chris & Aaron recently visited the World’s Biggest Bookstore and stayed for a fortnight studying the Ancient Mayan civilization. They were curious to discover what other great predictions the Mayan culture may have made on top of the 2012 Apocalypto phenomenon that’s currently sweeping the nation. They were also getting increasingly disappointed with Nastradamus screwing up his predictions all the time. What an Ancient blowhard. You’re old news, pal. Anyway, they found that the Ancient Mayans had a lot to teach us about our up-coming year, 2010. Here are some of the more interesting predictions they found:

In 2010 America will elect a wack president.

In 2010 all of the earth’s millionaires are going to host parties at
their houses then feel unsatisfied, hollow and lonely afterwards.
Just like they do all the time every year, you know what us Mayans are
saying?

In 2010 a thousand people will choke to death while on an Arctic cruise that boasts, “It’s the ship with the cheesiest pizza!”

In 2010 George Clooney will hook up with Kate Hudson and together they
will be known as Georte Hudsneycloo.

In 2010 there will be a massive shift in human consciousness swaying all humans across the globe over to the belief that Selassie I is the true saviour. This will also coincide with the great Marijuana crop fires of 2010 which will permanently alter the atmosphere to include a distinct taste of cheeba cheeba. Also, picture horses with dreadlocks.

In 2010 a Marmaduke movie will come out in 2010, but of course you already
know that because of the Marmaduke teaser trailer that we predicted
will be released by the end of 2009. Owen Wilson will be the voice of
Marmaduke. Can you fucking believe this?

In 2010 a Teenaged pop singing lolita type will have a major hit single called, “Abduct my love after school at my highschool.”

In 2010 the popular music format is going to switch over from tapes to CDs.

In 2010 Astronomers will finally catch a glimpse of Jupiter’s underwear using the Hubble Telescope

In 2010 there will be a new mayonnaise substitute on grocery store
shelves called “Mayan-aise” and if you want to avoid our predicted
2012 end of times you will buy loads of Mayan-aise and spread word of
mouth advertising for Mayan-aise until we… uh, we mean “it” gets
enough money to start an advertising campaign.

In 2010 Liv Tyler will marry you… Chris.

In 2010 It will be okay to eat loudly at the table with your mouth open and
let stuff fall out. Sorry, that last prediction is not true. We
elder Mayans just found a couple of Mayan teenagers snickering and
writing on one of our predictions tablets which we have just spent 7
full months elaborately carving out this correction on. We should
have just thrown away the tablet but don’t want to admit we wasted those
7 months, which have now become a year and a bit.

In 2010 factories will mass produce an important article of clothing called, “The Snuggie” to prepare for the on-coming Ice Age.

In 2010 a bunch of guys will be murdered. Will you be one of them?

In 2010 a great leader will emerge from global chaos and will guide the planet into two centuries of world peace and harmony. The leader’s name will be, Papa Smorf.

In 2010 people will have finally forgotten about the time I farted in
the temple. Oh no, now you all remember again.